Healing Your Wounds – 5 Minute Read 6


This week has been a big week for me.

I have been purging a lot of different emotions that I realized I have been bottling up for many years and haven’t dealt with them head on.

You might have recently read about my experience with my older brother David and how his death impacted my life and countless others around me.

Tonight, I want to talk about the suicide of my brother Clayne because I realize I haven’t allowed myself to grieve that loss either.

I’m here to share Claynes story because he is not here to tell it.

Clayne was my oldest brother of 20 siblings and we grew up a different life than most.

Clayne was the best older brother anyone could ask for…

Clayne was a trendsetter…

Clayne was an ice-breaker…

Clayne was a visionary…

Clayne was a drug addict…

Many of the above statements describe Clayne, but they don’t define WHO he was in his being.

Clayne was such a loving and kind human being who would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need without hesitation.

He also battled from a drug addiction that started at a very young age because of sexual abuse that happened to him at a young age.

Ultimately, the drugs won the war inside him and he decided to take his own life.

I remember that day very vividly…

First, let’s rewind a bit…

Clayne and I talked about joining the Army together and I fully supported that decision because I knew that would be a step in the right direction in him correcting the path he was on.

We talked about it almost every day until I joined and we rejoiced in the day he would graduate his therapy and be able to join with me.

That day never came…

Instead, while I was in Basic Training in South Carolina, I get a message from Drill Sergeant Green that I had a Red Cross message.

I had no idea what that meant, but I was about to find out.

The day after my brother David’s birthday in 2002, Clayne shot himself in the head with a pistol because he felt life was too tough to bear.

I’m sitting here crying as I write this because this is the first time I’m writing this down and really coming to grips with what happened.

I guess I’ve never really accepted the fact that he is gone… Until now.

Because of the type of head wound Clayne had, they couldn’t embalm him, so I had the most difficult choice I’ve faced in my life up to that point…

My funeral for my oldest brother was an envelope of pictures I received in Basic Training from my Mom of the funeral I missed.

That kind of closure is very difficult to deal with for a 19-year-old, let alone one in such a stressful environment of Bootcamp.

So I did the best thing I knew how to do… Do what the Army taught me to do.

Tough it up…

Except that wasn’t the best way to deal with it…

I self-medicated with alcohol for the next decade and drank myself into oblivion every time I could.

I couldn’t deal with the pain…

I didn’t want to deal with the pain…

I didn’t have to deal with the pain…

Until I had to.

NOW.

I am choosing to heal from this loss and move forward with healing my wound.

I love Clayne and I miss him and think about him daily.

I know he is with me…

I know he loves me and supports me…

I know he is here with me right now giving me the strength to write this…

I love you Clayne…

Until we meet again in the next life…

heart-hands1


Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

6 thoughts on “Healing Your Wounds – 5 Minute Read

  • Michelle Kunz

    I’m sitting here in complete amazement. I have been dealing with my sister’s suicide crazy bad all week. I can’t stop blaming myself, I’ve prayed so hard for my guilt to be taken from me. You put this in such a way that my prayers have been answered. Mandy also had a drug addiction that she lost. I miss them both and cherish the time I had with them. And that is all, I love you Brandon. You were sent to me today😍

  • Flora Jessop

    Brandon I love you so very much and am so proud of who you are. You are a Rock! There are so many victims of abuse (as well as those they sometimes leave behind) who feel helpless and alone who NEED to hear from those of us that also have suffered. Your pain, courage and love are a shining beacon in the darkness and I hope you know that all of us stand shoulder to shoulder with you. You can change worlds of pain in the lives of others by having the courage to SPEAK UP. Thank you for the amazing friend you are. I will always have your back darlin. Much love to you. Flora

    • nona

      Flora, I watched your series of Escape the Prophet a year or more ago. I was excited when you were able to free some of the wives and children.
      I was hoping there would be more of a follow up of how the families are doing.
      I admire you and Brandon for the unselfish work you have done for your former community !! I wish you luck in your endeavors to rescue others caught up in the evils of Warren Jeffs. It is too bad the law has done nothing to get rid of this blight.
      Nona

    • Brandon Post author

      Thank you Flora! I love you too. I do know that you support me 110% and that gives me strength and courage to push forward and SPEAK UP and share my story. You rock and I hope to see you soon!